The Apple Picking Gang

My mama and daddy up and went missing last Friday. I probably should have panicked, but my mother would frown upon that. So I went out the garden and weeded around my collard plants and waited for news. Saturday afternoon I received word from my mama that she and my daddy had run away and were staying with the Patels. She emailed:

We are up in the mountains this weekend. Our van is filled up with junk we have bought unintentionally while trying to find apples for sale. We are in Blairsville tonight. As soon as we find apples, we will buy some boxes of them (honey crisps, I hope), wedge them in among the chairs and settee and various brickabrack and start back. The people in my "Farmers Group" have all been coming up here for apples, and so we thought they would be all over the place. We saw one stand but didn't stop because we thought we were just getting warm.  It will be to NC tomorrow to find where all the apples are.  We will get plenty for all of us. We are staying with the Patels tonight.

I considered whether this is how Alzheimer's starts - on Thursday a person's parents are at home and accounted for and on Saturday they've taken the car and moved in with strangers, excusing all with cliched apple-a-day cockamamie. I ventured some reality orientation in my reply:

I hope the Patels have put you in their best room. Perhaps they can guide you to where the apples are hidden. By the way, not everything people - even farm people - post on FaceBook is true. 

To avert worry, I went back out to my garden and picked peppers while thinking ill thoughts of farm people image crafting on FaceBook. On Sunday, my mother messaged again:

It is almost 3 PM and at last we have the apples. We are just leaving the orchard with Cameos and Jonagolds, thanks be to God.  Also, and from various locations, we have a settee, a table, two chairs, 12 barbed wire stars, 12 birdhouses, 5 plants, two safety vests, 10 door mats, various cups and figurines,4 cowboy hats, two hornets nests, 2 large gem stones, other miscellany too numerous to mention, and a large chocolate malt. We are turning for home, as soon as we figure out this convoluted intersection right here.

 My pulse quickened at the words "chocolate malt." The prospect excited me. I pictured my father, dressed in a safety vest, revolving the car in a round-about and my mother, dressed in a safety vest and flailing at a swarm of hornets, ordering him to exit it after each orbit. This is not how Alzheimer's starts, I decided. This is how a good adventure ends. 

The chocolate malt did not survive the return trip, but my parents and the apples did.

***Reminder: Enter win a FREE copy of The Beast of Blue Mountain. Contest information is here. Entries must be received by September 30th. Be sure to let me know you are an Internet entry.

Deceitful Like My Watermelon Contest

Enter to Win! 

 My newspaper column last week offers readers a chance to win a FREE copy of my new children's book, The Beast of Blue Mountain. All you have to do is fill in the missing words in the newspaper column and mail in your entry. The newspaper column, address for entries and other information are found at the link below. Be sure to let me know that you read my column on the Internet. (All entries will receive a coupon code for a 20% discount.)

Deceitful like my watermelon | Columbia County News-Times

***Only a couple of days remain to listen to the audio version of The Beast of Blue Mountain for FREE. If you enjoy it, you may purchase an mp3 download here. 

My Yellow-Bellied Watermelon

Well, I've spent a lot of time in my garden lately keeping an eye on my watermelon. Kinfolk have whispered questions about whether I've been sitting out there watching it ripen or watching it rot. The fruit didn't have the courage to volunteer clues to the answer and sat in solitary resistance to my prodding.

I finally mustered the nerve to show up the naysayers. Marching out to my small plot with knife in hand, severed the melon from the vine. It was a crime of passion. I immediately felt remorseful and wallowed in the what-ifs of what I had done. Regret moaned a sad song in my soul. But the deed was done, so I hauled the harvest inside and hid it in the crisper.

In the evening, I gathered my family in the kitchen and confessed what I had done. I plead my case:

 

Children eagerly crowded around. The dense interior of the watermelon's inner sanctum remained a mystery. I would have to violate its integrity (if it had any) again:

 

It was not enough to just expose its red flesh. Hands greedily reached for it. Mouths salivated. We would quickly know the answer to the unkind speculation made about my gardening habits. Anticipation met anguish:

 

The worst of it was accidentally edited by an inept camera operator. It was a blessing. He prodded for a re-taste so he could do a re-take. No one wanted seconds:

  

The seeds of despair are all that remain.

As a reminder, you can listen to the audio of The Beast of Blue Mountain here for a limited time. Let your kids listen. It's free and it's for them!

Listen to a Story

This is my 400th blog post! I'm celebrating by sharing my new children's story with you. For a limited time, preview the audio version of The Beast of Blue Mountain:

***The free audio version has expired. An mp3 download may be purchased here for 99-cents.***
 

Purchase the paperback picture book to read along with audio:

 Purchase the mp3 download here.

Keeping Our Priorities Straight in the Bible Belt

Down with the devil in the Bible Belt. We love Satin in the south! 

The star next to the word means we think it's very important.

Reported by Fox 5 News Atlanta.

New Children's Book: The Beast of Blue Mountain

Crunch, crunch. Swish, swish. What is that?

I'm excited to announce the September 12 release of my new children's book,  

The Beast of Blue Mountain. 

Color illustrations accompany this tale of suspense and surprise dedicated to anyone who has ever heard a noise in the night and whispered, "What is that?"

Order a soft-cover copy for every kid you know by clicking here. Or at Amazon.

Order a signed copy through PayPal. Click on the link and fill out the simple form. You will make a payment of $12.45 ($9.95 for the book and $2.50 s&h) to lucybgoosey@aol.com. Be sure to write in the name of the child receiving the book so I can personalize it.

Save money. Order a pdf download from Etsy for only $2.99. Or order a Kindle version for the same price.

Thank you. I'd love to hear your feedback. If you are a blogger who reviews children's books, email me, lucybgoosey@aol.com.

Dude! You Should Totally Hire Me

My husband works for a leading on-line job board and candidate recruitment service. Routinely, he reads job copy, resumes and cover letters that range from stellar to pitiful to I-can't-believe-you-put-that-in-writing-to-a-potential-employer. Today, he forwarded me a brief cover letter from the latter category.

It isn't the awkward opening sentence paired with later touting of his excellent communication skills that raises eyebrows. I think employers may overlook that inconsistency. He proves himself a winner in the rat race by what he claims he's doing on the side:

I'm currently a business student at Kent State University that is ready to begin my business career. I'm highly motivated and driven to succeed and will not let anything stop me from doing just that. I already have a good bit of knowledge about led lights because I'm currently studying Medical Marijuana on the side. I'm great with people and know how to make people believe in what I'm telling them. I have great communication skills and connect with people of all ages on a personal level.