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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Just in Time for Valentine's Day

Some romantic fool thought it would be a good idea to send me a list of Man Rules right before Valentine's Day. To show him how much I care about his feelings, I listened and responded.

The Man Rules
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
Or instruction manual readers or map readers or fashion magazine readers. That's why we have to tell you what to do and where to go and what to wear for the occasion. AND we're saying it all OUT LOUD, so when you feel like you're straining to read our minds, that's really you choosing not to listen.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
We also don't hear you falling into the toilet in the middle of the night.

1. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Ditto on PMS, another pair of shoes, a night out with the girls.

1. Crying is blackmail.
No, it's revenge.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We have told you, OUT LOUD, during every diamond commercial that we want diamonds, but you're never listening because you're straining to read our minds. Then you act bent out of shape when we're disappointed that you gave us another something that isn't forever.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Then why do you pout when we say, "No?"

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
You have no idea how much our girlfriends sympathize with us.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
Usually, whatever you said 6 months ago, you also said yesterday, just in different words. Therefore, whatever you say or said will always be in the 7 day window. Thus, all evidence is admissible and you will be found guilty as charged. Case closed.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If you think we gave your ragged out, sweat stained St. Louis Cardinals hat to charity, we probably did. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad, we meant the other way.
You meant the interpretation that makes us want to go Loraina Bobbitt on you? Wow. Thanks for the insight. We never would have guessed.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
We're going to keep asking and telling, because there is nothing more satisfying than saying to our girlfriends, "Can you believe he really didn't know how to . . . ?"

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Why? Is that when you're at peak mind reading capability?

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Christopher Columbus could, however, read the stars. You can't even read minds. You do need directions.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Quit stressing. We're not going to test you on it.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
It's the itching, not the scratching, that concerns us.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Don't ask what's wrong if you already know it's nothing, unless you're trying to turn it into something.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
If you give an answer and don't like our reaction, then expect us to say, "No," to your question.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
When you tell us that, we know our relationship with you has gone on too long.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
When we can't take time to listen to you talk about football or hockey, you know your relationship with us has gone on too long.

1. You have enough clothes.
Can you quantify "enough?"

1. You have too many shoes.
You never say that when you're asking us to wear them to bed.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Congratulations, you know a shape. Unfortunately, you're more like an amoeba, which is shapeless.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Then enjoy your vacation. And while you're there, don't forget to get me something nice for Valentine's Day; maybe something that is forever. That is not a hint. I am telling you I want diamonds. While my girlfriends sympathize with me, only you can solve my problem: I don't have enough diamonds. I will remind you of this during the next diamond commercial, when you have just returned to the sofa from using the restroom where you did not fall into the toilet.

Shall I go on, or do you think you've got it, now?

Next time you think I'm trying to get you to read my mind, don't hesitate to let me know.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Language of Chocolate

Valentine's Day is next weekend and Dove chocolate has upped its ad saturation to push its new innovation on the candy bar: Three individually wrapped portions, "For now. For later. For much later."

Are they crazy? Who came up with this campaign? Obviously a man who doesn't understand the psychology behind chocolate.

Sure, we like to think we might save a little bit for later. And sometimes we even manage to do it, but never an entire third of the chocolate bar. Whatever we do re-wrap, planning to enjoy it at our next craving, nags at us. We know we've tucked it in our purse, or desk drawer, or behind the flour container in the pantry. We hear its sweet little voice calling out to us. We are powerless to resist.

The commercial should say: "For now. For in a minute. For a couple of minutes from then."

We get all the illusion of delay of gratification without any of the guilt associated with instant satisfaction.

That really speaks to my heart.