The Living Embalmed

 At first I thought maybe the producers were pulling a well-timed Weekend at Bernie's gag for the American public's entertainment. But then I detected Billy Crystal's eyes moving voluntarily. I got up close to my television screen and watched without blinking so I could be sure it wasn't my imagination. And I saw it! His lips move slightly.

Billy Crystal was apparently trapped somewhere inside his own body, only able to project his voice. It was like he was in one those bad dreams where the dreamer tries and tries to take action or yell out but is inexplicably paralyzed. He wanted to make the audience laugh, but he was powerless to move a muscle to match his facial expressions to his punchlines.

I do believe Billy Crystal has gone overboard on the Botox. Maybe he ordered a DIY kit on-line to do some self-administered touch-up before the Academy Awards. Or he got mixed up with one of those Hollywood hucksters promising to preserve youthful appearance. Or he's pre-planned and pre-paid his funeral and decided to go ahead and collect on the embalming.