Good Fortune of Working from Home

My sister, who teaches at a major research institution I shall not name, received an administratively generated email yesterday afternoon. Its contents included the following: 

· The student in the advisory sent earlier this afternoon about the off-campus incident admitted to investigators that the incident she described did not occur. The investigation into this case has been closed.

· The fire alarm in Presidential Village was due to sensor that was activated by a non-fire event.

· There was no machete with a note on the door of a fraternity.

· No shots were fired at Presidential Village.

· The FBI is not on campus, and did not conduct a raid in Paty Hall.

· No one dressed as the Joker was in Tutwiler or on sorority row.

· There was not a man on sorority row with a box tied to him in a threatening manner.

· No one was shot and no one has been arrested.

· No students were choked on the Quad or anywhere else.

I cannot imagine working in a place where nothing happens, though the attempts by co-workers to tie boxes to themselves in threatening manners has probably been entertaining. 

A later communique advised, "I know you do so in every class, but please wrap your arms around all our students today." The vacuum of activity will soon be replaced by sexual harassment lawsuits.

I am so fortunate to work from home.