Floaters, Bombs, and Easter Bunnies

My 9 year-old son plopped down beside me on the sofa this afternoon. I guess because we were deeply engrossed in the televised Master's Tournament, he felt like he could float one out there. I don't mean a smelly one like he normally floats. I mean one designed to catch his parents off guard.

"You know those chocolate rabbits y'all put in our Easter Baskets?" His question drifted into the airspace. I was only half paying attention, and his father didn't even know anyone else was standing alongside the fairway on the 10th hole in his imagination.

So again, "Hey, y'all know those chocolate rabbits you gave us?"

That time he got our attention. "I don't know what you're talking about," his daddy answered. "We didn't give you any chocolate rabbits," I replied. "Why would we, with all the candy the Easter Bunny brought?"

He ignored us and continued. "Well, they don't taste like real chocolate. I think the Easter Bunny must shop at Wal-mart, like y'all."

As he does with his normally smelly floaters, he dropped the bomb and promptly left the room.

And I'm left to wonder if it's sneaking suspicion or if he knows a thing or two about the Easter Bunny.

The Language of Chocolate

Valentine's Day is next weekend and Dove chocolate has upped its ad saturation to push its new innovation on the candy bar: Three individually wrapped portions, "For now. For later. For much later."

Are they crazy? Who came up with this campaign? Obviously a man who doesn't understand the psychology behind chocolate.

Sure, we like to think we might save a little bit for later. And sometimes we even manage to do it, but never an entire third of the chocolate bar. Whatever we do re-wrap, planning to enjoy it at our next craving, nags at us. We know we've tucked it in our purse, or desk drawer, or behind the flour container in the pantry. We hear its sweet little voice calling out to us. We are powerless to resist.

The commercial should say: "For now. For in a minute. For a couple of minutes from then."

We get all the illusion of delay of gratification without any of the guilt associated with instant satisfaction.

That really speaks to my heart.

Southern Girls Living Fearlessly - Day 5

Today's lesson is very, very important. In fact, getting this one lesson straight can make the difference between successfully living the fearless life and people only showing up to your funeral to see what the mortician dressed you in.


Living fearlessly is NOT, I repeat NOT, the same as living foolishly. In fact, doing foolish things makes it that much harder for us to do fearless things. Embarrassment and loss of self-respect drag us down far worse than fear.


Webster Dictionary defines foolish (adj.) as:
1. greatly deficient in good judgement, common sense, real wisdom; idiotic
2. contrary to all good sense, absurd
3. inviting mockery, scorn, or derision; ridiculous [i.e. people coming to your funeral just to see if it's tacky]


On the other hand, and in stark contrast, WebNet defines fearless (adj.) as:
1. oblivious of dangers or perils or calmly resolute in facing them [Think of our Heloise from Day 4]
2. invulnerable to fear or intimidation


The definition of fearless best describes the southern belle, or at the least Miss Scarlett O'Hara for whom tomorrow is another day. But we ladies of the magnolia-blossomed southland forget to capitalize on these strengths in our day to day lives. Still, we shall not diminish ourselves or our heritage by confusing foolishness with fearlessness.


Foolish is putting dark meat in our chicken salad; fearless is adding a touch of honey and lime. Foolish is wearing a necklace for a bikini top and a shoestring for the bottoms to the Club pool; fearless is going to the gym at 5am so we could wear it if we wanted . . . and look damn good. Foolish is thinking you'll be happier with your husband's best friend; fearless is asking the man you've been married to for 25 years out on a date.


Heloise (Day 4) could have said where she got that chocolate sauce she served the Garden Club members. Certainly the shock and awe would have provided a few wonderful minutes of mirth. But her sheer fearlessness in solving her problem would have been negated. She would have gone from homemaking hero to harlot faster than Billy Ray Cyrus went from Achy Braky Heart to broke.


Now that foolish and fearless have been clarified, it's assignment time:


TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT: Whatever you do, do not write any of this down. Leave no evidence. This is between you and you conscience. Find a comfortable chair, sit down, lean back, and close your eyes. When the kids come running through the den hollerin', "Whatcha' doin'? Why're you sleepin'?" tell them, "Y'all run on outside, now. Mama's just restin' her eyes."

Okay, get very, very relaxed. Eyes still closed. Think of the most foolish thing you have recently done. Relive the event. Picture yourself going through the motions all over again. Let the angst build up. Feel your chest tighten. Admit to yourself that you don't want to feel this way anymore.

Next, visualize what you could have done differently. How could you have behaved fearlessly instead of foolishly? Did you get caught gossiping? Maybe you could have refuted the gory details instead of wallowing in them. Did you have your yard service prune your neighbor's crepe myrtles? Perhaps the more fearless act would be to find the beauty in wild growth, or at the minimum, talk to the neighbor.

Finally, draw an imaginary bubble in the air with your hands and breath into it. You're filling the bubble with foolishness. Let it go. Move on to the fearless life.

When you're ready, get up and go finish the dishes. Your kids will be back any minute to see if you're still sleeping.

Tune in for Day 6 - Finding passion.

Southern Girls Living Fearlessly - Day 4

Did I fail to mention that if you'd like to remain a UDC member in good standing or still get invited to the annual Camellia Ball, you should probably commit to memory then burn that list you made on Day 3. A small thing I know, but we southern ladies are all about the details.



It's those same details that prevent us from living fearlessly. "Oh, I've thrown caution to the wind," you pshaw me. But have you really?



It's much easier to live fearlessly in the big moments than it is in the small ones. I never had any trouble, during the births of my four children, grabbing my husband by the collar and threatening to levitate off the delivery table and donkey kick him in his sensitivities if he didn't get off the phone with his mother. But I would never have the guts to make that same promise on a random Sunday afternoon.



The reason fearlessness is easier in the big moments is because there just aren't that many of them. There are thousnads upon thousands of small moments in our lifetimes. Adrenalin drives big moments. We wrestle with worry in the small ones. The details detour us from fearless living. We can't let go of our well-laid plans. For heaven's sake, what would people think?



Ladies, I'm here to tell you, that life, real life, is wrapped up in all the moments between the plans. The only way to live fearlessly is to embrace the uncertainty and roll with it. Take for example my friend Heloise, who found herself in a rather tight spot - her day for garden club refreshements and her daughter decides to get a gushing wound. Helpful Miss Betty Sue Renfrew offered to drop by and collect the refreshments early so Heloise could scoot on to the ER with her daughter.



Early! Early was no good. Heloise hadn't purchased the refreshments yet, but what diva of perfection would ever admit that. So she grabbed a container of strawberries from the fridge and arranged them on a platter. She scurried to the back porch and plucked some sprigs of mint for garnish. But she was fresh out of powdered sugar for dip.



What did she do? She grabbed a ladder and visited her secret stash on the back of the top right pantry shelf, where she found a jar of chocolate body paint (she apparently is an old pro at living fearlessly). She poured that chocolate paint into a small crystal bowl, placed it in the middle of the strawberries, and smiled as she passed the whole platter out the door to Betty Sue, who later reported how much the ladies raved over the refreshments.



YOUR ASSIGNMNET: Today, write a letter to that timid woman inside of you, who always whispers "What if," right before you decide to step outside of the plan, to break out of the worry, to let the details fall where they may. Don't fuss at her, encourage her. Ask her why she whispers those worrisome thoughts in your ear. Ask her what it is that she is afraid of. Tell her the story of Heloise. Let her know that if she will let go and let you live fearlessly, you will take good care of her.



Don't scrimp. This is an event. Write this letter on your best monogrammed stationary with your best pen. Don't stop writing until you have poured it all out. Then fold it neatly and slide it into a coordinating envelope. Place the letter in the bottom of your jewelry box for safe keeping.

Grit Biscuits Unveiled

For my May book signings I decided to unveil the legendary Chocolate Chip Grit Biscuit. Book signing guests received a complimentary Grit Biscuit with the warning, "They're good if you're hungry." I received overwhelming response from my readers. The following are some of the more memorable comments:

"No, thank you, I'm trying to give them up."

"A what? A what? A what? Oh."

"You put a grit in this thing?"

"Are they really made with grits?"

"Is the recipe in your book?"

"Oh, you shouldn't have. You really, really shouldn't have."

My Chocolate Chip Grit Biscuuits have made a statement from Aiken, SC, to Statesboro, GA, to Savannah, GA and to infinity and beyond!

Suggested Mother's Day Gifts

As a mama, I look forward to a Mother's Day breakfast in bed with children crowded in around me, watching my face intently to see how much I enjoy the peanut butter eggs.

As a second grade teacher, I have a vested interest in making sure all mothers everywhere get recognized with homemade cards, paper flowers, plaster of Paris hand prints, and heartfelt poems.

And I believe that it is essential for dads to further aid the kids in showing appreciation to mom by taking them shopping for all the extras: Chocolate, wine, diamonds, chocolate, and a good book.

For chocolate, may I recommend Ghirardelli or Godiva? For wine, I suggest something pink. For diamonds, the bigger the better. And for a good book, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that she'll never forget this Mother's Day when, with one click of your mouse, you give her, If Mama Don't Laugh, It Ain't Funny: