Not Much to See, But A Lot to Talk About

Living in a small southern town, I can rest assured that when life gets so chaotic that I don't know what I'm doing, if I'm coming or going, all I have to do is ask a neighbor. Around here, the neighborly motto is we make your business our business. I just hope they haven't heard something I don't want to hear.

Just in Time for Valentine's Day

Some romantic fool thought it would be a good idea to send me a list of Man Rules right before Valentine's Day. To show him how much I care about his feelings, I listened and responded.

The Man Rules
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)
Or instruction manual readers or map readers or fashion magazine readers. That's why we have to tell you what to do and where to go and what to wear for the occasion. AND we're saying it all OUT LOUD, so when you feel like you're straining to read our minds, that's really you choosing not to listen.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
We also don't hear you falling into the toilet in the middle of the night.

1. Sunday sports, it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Ditto on PMS, another pair of shoes, a night out with the girls.

1. Crying is blackmail.
No, it's revenge.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We have told you, OUT LOUD, during every diamond commercial that we want diamonds, but you're never listening because you're straining to read our minds. Then you act bent out of shape when we're disappointed that you gave us another something that isn't forever.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Then why do you pout when we say, "No?"

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
You have no idea how much our girlfriends sympathize with us.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
Usually, whatever you said 6 months ago, you also said yesterday, just in different words. Therefore, whatever you say or said will always be in the 7 day window. Thus, all evidence is admissible and you will be found guilty as charged. Case closed.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If you think we gave your ragged out, sweat stained St. Louis Cardinals hat to charity, we probably did. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad, we meant the other way.
You meant the interpretation that makes us want to go Loraina Bobbitt on you? Wow. Thanks for the insight. We never would have guessed.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
We're going to keep asking and telling, because there is nothing more satisfying than saying to our girlfriends, "Can you believe he really didn't know how to . . . ?"

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Why? Is that when you're at peak mind reading capability?

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Christopher Columbus could, however, read the stars. You can't even read minds. You do need directions.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Quit stressing. We're not going to test you on it.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
It's the itching, not the scratching, that concerns us.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Don't ask what's wrong if you already know it's nothing, unless you're trying to turn it into something.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
If you give an answer and don't like our reaction, then expect us to say, "No," to your question.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
When you tell us that, we know our relationship with you has gone on too long.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.
When we can't take time to listen to you talk about football or hockey, you know your relationship with us has gone on too long.

1. You have enough clothes.
Can you quantify "enough?"

1. You have too many shoes.
You never say that when you're asking us to wear them to bed.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Congratulations, you know a shape. Unfortunately, you're more like an amoeba, which is shapeless.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Then enjoy your vacation. And while you're there, don't forget to get me something nice for Valentine's Day; maybe something that is forever. That is not a hint. I am telling you I want diamonds. While my girlfriends sympathize with me, only you can solve my problem: I don't have enough diamonds. I will remind you of this during the next diamond commercial, when you have just returned to the sofa from using the restroom where you did not fall into the toilet.

Shall I go on, or do you think you've got it, now?

Next time you think I'm trying to get you to read my mind, don't hesitate to let me know.

The Language of Chocolate

Valentine's Day is next weekend and Dove chocolate has upped its ad saturation to push its new innovation on the candy bar: Three individually wrapped portions, "For now. For later. For much later."

Are they crazy? Who came up with this campaign? Obviously a man who doesn't understand the psychology behind chocolate.

Sure, we like to think we might save a little bit for later. And sometimes we even manage to do it, but never an entire third of the chocolate bar. Whatever we do re-wrap, planning to enjoy it at our next craving, nags at us. We know we've tucked it in our purse, or desk drawer, or behind the flour container in the pantry. We hear its sweet little voice calling out to us. We are powerless to resist.

The commercial should say: "For now. For in a minute. For a couple of minutes from then."

We get all the illusion of delay of gratification without any of the guilt associated with instant satisfaction.

That really speaks to my heart.

Living Fearlessly in a Bad Economy

Things are bad, and according to Obama, they're going to get worse before they get better. Woe is us. Cash flow is low; job instability is high. Uncertainty prevails.

My husband and I have micro-analyzed our family budget, looking for even the smallest expenditures we can cut. At dinner the other night, we announced to our kids that we are having our cable turned off. They moaned. They griped. They groaned.

"Why?" they whined.

"Well y'all," I explained, "we've just got a bad economy right now."

"If you've got a bag of money," said the youngest, exasperatedly, "can't you use that to buy our TV shows?"

She understands what's happening about as well as the rest of us. And there truly is no use sitting around listening to pundits explain it or trying to decipher it ourselves. It is what it is, and somewhere in it is a fresh opportunity, a door waiting to be opened.

In the meantime, here's how I'm keeping up the fearless life in the face of darkening adversity:

1) I've decided to value making memories over purchasing products, substance over stuff, experiences over expenses. Instead of spending money, I'm spending time. A happy memory lasts a lot longer than the thrill over a new pair of shoes.

2) There is no guarantee that my job will last past May. My contract may or may not be renewed. No matter. I will continue to perform my duties to the very best of my ability. If the economy causes my position to be eliminated, I will walk away with my head high, knowing I couldn't have worked any harder.

3) I'm being honest with myself about the things over which I have control and the things I don't. In the past, God has used the chaos or confusion of a difficult situation to build me into a better person. I have faith that those things I can't control are in His hands. He will take care of me.

And maybe, somehow, some way, on the other side of all this, the bad economy really will turn into a bag of money.

Christmas on the Half-Shell

I received one of the best gifts ever this year.

I must be living fearlessly to embrace such a thing. Embrace it I did, squealing joyfully as I peeled away the protective tissue - an oxymoron of sorts - carefully unwrapping it. As I held it aloft for all those gathered around the tree to see, I admitted that it was rivaled only by the Baby Alive I received when I was 7 and possibly the Big Wheel I got when I was 8, maybe even the BB Gun placed in my hands on my 9th Christmas. Otherwise, I couldn't think of many more gifts that ever came close to bringing me the same glee, the same awe, that the spectacle raised above my head did at that very moment.

An armadillo. A stuffed armadillo. Not a plush armadillo, but a taxidermied armadillo mounted on a board. Its shell, sleek and shiny, reflected the light from the chandelier. Its segmented tail curved around in front of its hind legs, and its head tilted slightly to the right with its tiny black eyes staring fixedly. And it had a wonderful color, like deep, rich brown leather. Had anything so perfect ever entered my hands before this? It was hard to say.

Like the dad in A Christmas Story I knew the ideal place for it - atop the rabbit pelt on the sofa table behind the loveseat in the den, where its presence alone will prickle the hairs on the backs of necks and upper arms.

Perhaps you squirm at the thought of this animal gracing my decor, but I tell you no southern girl should ever be without at least one taxidermied specimen. For certain, my admiration of preserved animals, all within earshot of my husband, plus my demand that he fill my need for collecting them, keeps my hunting husband home on a lot of Saturdays: 1) Why go if I'm urging him out to the woods, and 2) The pressure to bring home a trophy is paralyzing.

But that's not why I love my armadillo. You may not realize this, but it is in mint condition, bearing not a ding nor a dent. And someone went to a great deal of trouble to find me an armadillo that doesn't sport tire tread imprints and isn't squished on one side, the other, or straight down the middle. I've been given something rare and irreplaceable indeed. I can buy another Big Wheel. I can feed my daughter's Baby Alive. My sons will let me shoot their BB Guns. But how many more times in life would one perchance to happen upon preserved roadkill of these proportions and think to give it to me?

As with every gift, it's the thought that counts.

Southern Girls Living Fearlessly in the New Year

Every [woman] should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every [woman] gird [herself] once more, with [her] face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.
~Henry Ward Beecher

As January 1st approaches, I have to assess if I really accomplished all that I set out to do this year - get organized, manage my time better, read more books, focus on the truly important things in life . . . live fearlessly. Then I must put it behind me. Face forward and meet the New Year head on. Because if I'm seriously honest with myself, I have to admit that the only thing organization ever did for me was create a clean slate for new chaos.

Instead of making the same-old-same-old safe resolutions like travel, lose weight, spend more time with family and friends, get in shape, eat healthier, I'm going to accept that I've probably done the best that I can with those tried and true standards over the years. In 2009 I'm stepping out on a limb and taking a chance on a new approach to evolving into a better person:

• Say "No" - I will say "No" to doing anything - joining a club, leading a group, organizing an activity - that I cannot or will not give my best to. I will not allow a guilty sense of obligation back me into a corner.
• Make no comparisons- No matter what the talking heads in the media try to get me panicked about this year, no matter what my friends and neighbors do, I'm going to spend my time and my money only on things that are important to me and my family.
• Live life as a work of art - I will cherish experiences over things. I will collect beautiful memories instead of stuff.
• Foolish versus Fearless - I will remember the difference between foolish and fearless and will not do anything to compromise my life or my dignity. This includes skydiving and skinny dipping and other sundry activities of that nature.
• Change is not just the coins jingling at the bottom of my purse - It is an uncertain world in which we live. I will accept change in my circumstances as God's way of offering me a new opportunity or His desire to alter my life's direction.
• Be a light of this world - I will speak kind words, make charitable contributions within my means, and engage in behaviors that build my community regardless of recognition.

Happy New Year!

May you and those you love embrace all the possibilities it brings at the stroke of midnight.

Southern Girls Living Fearlessly in the Holidays

Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
- Mary Ellen Chase

The holidays, despite all their bling and the joy they bring, can also be STRESSFUL. We run the risk of releasing our resolve to live fearlessly and, thus, spiraling into Christmas chaos. Don't lose your presence of mind.

Five Ways to Live Fearlessly for the Holidays

1. Travel Light - Remember, every decoration that goes up must also come down. Don't be afraid to simplify your yuletide.
2. The Book of Lists - Doubtless, you've got a list as long as Santa's of things that must be done by midnight on the 24th, or before. Accept that some things are not absolutely necessary and catapult Make cookies with the kids to the top of the list. Be happy that some stuff doesn't get done. It means you spent time on the truly important things.
3. Summon Your Tunnel Vision - Keep in mind the real reason we celebrate Christmas. Don't let glitzy advertisements, glossy magazine pictures, or persnickety perfectionists convince you that you need more, more, more to have a satisfying holiday. Be confident that you've already got all you really need.
4. Gather the Girls - Friends are one of life's greatest gifts. Take time out of the busyness to spend time together.
5. Fake It - Feeling bah-humbug? Say "Merry Christmas" robustly to everyone you meet. Your Christmas spirit will soon swell.